My True Unadulterated Life Story:

Chapter One
I was born in a small town in Missouri, a well-behaved but decidedly fidgety child with an uncanny ability to both entertain yet annoy young and old alike. In school, I was typically the teacher's pet as well as their worst nightmare. I don't know exactly why, but I did get in trouble a lot for talking and for instigating horseplay. I dreamed of being an actress, which everyone seemed to think was HILARIOUS. And I loved boys. But they mostly thought I was creepy. Except for the creepy boys, who always liked me the best.

My big sister, June, told me we should only love Tony Curtis, because he was the only man who was worthy. So we had weekly club meetings to glorify him and talk about his movies. But one day Tony Curtis was arrested for marijuana possession, prompting my Mom to utter these terrible words which would remain etched in our minds forever more:

"Well, well, it seems your idol has feet of clay!"

We were crushed. Especially since we had no idea what that meant.

We grew up with lots of music in the house. June and I studied piano and my Mom always had something playing on the stereo. Among her favorites were Robert Goulet, Eddie Arnold, Herb Alpert, Mantovani, Ed Ames, and Burt Bacharach. She also liked to drag us (kicking and screaming) to the symphony in Kansas City every so often, before Skitch Henderson got thrown in jail. We rose above the temptation to tell her about his clay feet. And summers we often flew to Las Vegas to soak in a few of the crooners du jour.

...to be continued